“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?” -- Pinterest quote “Barbie” the movie grossed $237 million in its first six days at the box office, not bad for a plastic creation approaching her 65th birthday.
My connection to Barbie, a.k.a. Barbara Millicent Roberts, began when I loaned my sister the extra 50 cents she needed to buy an airline hostess costume. The outfit listed for nearly twice the limit our mother established before we went shopping, but Mary has always been a skillful negotiator.
Over the years, I traced Barbie’s timeline, focusing on her 40th and 50th birthdays. Now that she approaches 65 – despite never looking a day over 19 – I provide a few updates.
Barbie joined 1959 arrivals John McEnroe, Lawrence Taylor, Tom Arnold, Sheena Easton, lead singer Susanna Hoffs of the Bangles and Fidel Castro’s Cuba takeover.
That same year, Cecil B. DeMille, Billie Holiday, Ethel Barrymore, Frank Lloyd Wright, Ritchie Valens, Buddy Holly and the Big Bopper departed.
The Ford Edsel sputtered as the St. Lawrence Seaway began to flow.
The rest, as it happened, is history, and here’s my version of Barbie’s” 1959: Barbie is born, or molded, anatomically perfect in Willow, WI. Mothers write to manufacturers asking for formula to enable their own daughters to avoid those “painfully formative years.”
1964: Ken is molded, and Barbie, as a sign of the chaos the 60s have brought, starts dating at 5. Ken’s friend Allan makes his first appearance, then fades into the bargain bins.
1967: Barbie dumps Ken for GI Joe. Surfer Bum Ken appears briefly as Beach Boys mascot.
1969: Barbie and GI Joe wed on Woodstock stage. Draft Dodger Ken emerges with left foot missing, claims it was cut off in table saw accident.
(Ken later arrested for sniffing model airplane glue, claims he used substance for medicinal purposes, specifically to re-attach foot.)
1972: Flag-burning Barbie briefly appears on toy shelves, only to be recalled by U.S, Commerce Department for being unsuitable in attempt to mold middleclass young minds into a focused world view.
Unemployed GI Joe introduced, with red-bandanna headband, miniature doobies and tattered fatigue jacket. Back-to-College Ken briefly popular in East Coast market.
1979: Transcendental Meditation, Consciousness-Raising and Vegetarian Barbies debuin Rodeo Drive toy stores. Hari Krishna GI Joe re-enters market, complete with white karate suit, flip flops, single forelock, mattress, plastic flow bouquet and schoolbus house. Wall Street Ken with Ferrari and disco tapes marketed in SoHo; Gucci watchband now a collector’s item.
1984: Divorce Barbie turns 25, comes with GI Joe’s things. 12-Step GI Joe introduced with coffeemaker and Serenity Prayer plaque. Class Reunion Ken, with Don Johnson/Miami Vice white sport coat, bare chest, gold chain and hot comb rekindles early romance with Barbie.
1989: DINK (Double Income No Kids) Barbie and Ken sold in gift set in matching business suits, briefcases, his/her BMWs and pre-nuptial agreement. Tent Revival GI Joe sold separately.
1994: Liposuction Barbie notes 35th birthday with pinched cheeks, asparagus sprout birthday cake and treadmill. Drops antacids at 25th anniversary Woodstock reunion.
Mid-life Crisis Ken sports cellular phone and youngenough- to-be-his-niece Midge. TV Evangelist GI Joe packaged with 800 fundraising number.
1999: Fortysomething Barbie features computer that erases all signs of aging on Jan. 1, 2000, including Inside Trader Ken. GI Joe deleted in Y2K Virus, finds himself in Kosovo peacekeeping force.
2004: Olympic Barbie dresses for USA success in the over-40 Athens Shopping Spree Marathon, complete with red, white and blue Visa and matching heels.
On-the-Run Ken dons track suit with plastic discus and shot while Law Student/Body Hunter GI Joe, incognito in shades, tracks his former pal.
2009: Botox Barbie at 50 comes with AARP card, discount coupon book for motel accommodations, restaurants, dentures, Depends and seminars for seniors with celebrity leaders.
Investigator GI Joe records testimony from potential Witness Protection Ken while wrinkle-free Barbie tries to convince server she qualifies for lunch discount.
2014: Anti-Global Warming Barbie resplendent in all-plant-based wardrobe while driving a solar-panel-powered Jeep. I-Phone GI Joe snaps high resolution photos of Suspected Spammer/ Scammer Ken.
2019: Unimpeachable Barbie waves the flag for POTUS, wearing floppy hat, heavy eye shadow and MAGA button. Real Barbie sues for fraud and identity theft. FBI GI Joe, blue-suited and blackshoed, observes College Recruiter Ken selling guaranteed Ivy League admissions.
2022: Medicare Barbie wears Totally Confused expression and matching outfit as Phone Bank Ken, out on parole, rambles uncomprehendingly through intricacies of Parts A, B, C and D.
Retired GI Joe wears beach outfit auditioning for Corona commercial with Snoop Dogg.
2023: Big Screen Barbie watches credits and cash roll into the trunk of her pink Rolls Royce, Ken, GI Joe, Midge and the rest share the wealth in matching smiles. Allen/Alan, once a castaway on the Island of Misfit Toys, returns a cinematic sensation.
Steve Lang admits this is so fake it makes Barbie look real.
