On My Soapbox: Candidates get animated after election

Voters elected Yosemite Sam as the new president in last week's online poll. 

Last week, we ran a poll in the paper to see which cartoon character people would choose to run the country. This week I decided to have some fun with those election results.

Since so many of our politicians want to behave like cartoon characters, perhaps we should at least give them a role model to follow. If we could elect cartoon characters to run the country, which one of the following would have your vote?

A. Bugs Bunny – 18.5%

B. Yosemite Sam – 29.2%

C. Mickey Mouse – 7.7%

D. Minnie Mouse – 6.2%

E. Donald Duck – 6.2%

F. Papa Smurf – 18.5%

G. Popeye – 13.8%

Candidates get animated after election

If you heard gunshots last week, it was because President-elect Yosemite Sam was celebrating. With 29.2 percent of the American votes, Sam will serve the next four years as President.

“That’s right, Yosemite Sam. The roughest, toughest, hombre that ever locked horns with a rabbit,” he said at his election rally. “Now drink up varmints.”

Sam brings experience as a Confederate soldier, town mayor, desert sheik, royal cook, prison guard, a pirate and even a space alien to office with him.

During his victory speech, he vowed to review gun laws, and promised that six-shooters would become acceptable for rabbit hunting, which will be year round.

“Oooo! Ya long eared, fur bearin’, flat-footed varmints, say yer prayers ya critters,” Sam declared when asked about the campaign promise.

Bugs Bunny, who tied for runner-up with Papa Smurf, was not phased by the comments.

“Don't take life too seriously Doc. You'll never get out alive,” Bunny said after the election.

His running mate, Daffy Duck, felt Bunny was only running to steal his spotlight, so he quit and returned to the campaign at least twice before the election.

“What a maroon,” Bunny said.

Since his rival Yosemite Sam won the election, Bunny said “this means war,” and has plans to expose the new president’s public mischief.

Papa Smurf demanded a recount. He said if all his little smurfs voted, he should have won by a landslide.

“After smurfing a village for so many years, I had so many plans to smurf at the national level,” he said. “I am totally smurfed that the election ended the way it did.”

The race between Popeye and Mickey Mouse, who finished fourth and fifth respectfully, became physical at one point during a public appearance.

Mickey claimed that Popeye inappropriately winked at their opponent, and Mickey’s lady friend Minnie Mouse, several times during his speech.

“He was winking at little ol’ me,” Minnie giggled. “I would have preferred petunias. They’re my favorite.”

Mickey was escorted away by officers and his campaign manager Pluto stood silent during questioning.

It was later learned that Popeye was using campaign money at Ed’s Place in Taylor to buy hamburgers for Wimpy a local bar fly.

An election gathering for Donald Duck, who tied with Minnie with only 6.2 percent of the vote, was quickly shutdown after a fire.

Fire Marshall Bill told reporters he believed the fire was started with moisture getting into the electrical system. He said the fire started during Duck’s speech.

What spectators believe they heard was, “You know why you like me? Because you’re crazy too.”

“I’ll show you I can control my temper. As a public figure I promise to be particular, precise, proper and pay attention to popular and public opinion.”

It is believe the fire started shortly after this portion of the speech.

Duck’s running mate Goofy, released a statement saying, “Garsh, I guess Donald was really on fire tonight.”

President elect Yosemite Sam will take office in January and begin working on new policies. Bunny retired underground, while Mickey, Minnie, Smurf and Popeye have all declared not to run again in the future. Duck enrolled in anger management.

While this is satirical, enjoy it. But, remember to vote on Tuesday.

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