Today marks one million minutes that the love of my life has been gone.
I have spent these million minutes relatively wisely, allowing grief to encompass me for a time but still working towards my new life. I've even been spending some precious minutes lately having hope for my future and making my new beginning work for me.
However, I wonder how many minutes of our married life together I wasted. I now see that many of those precious blocks of time I squandered - in anger and bitterness, in nagging, in moodiness and condescending speech.
My late husband and I had our issues, like any couple, and some of the problems were serious. Some could have brought down a marriage, but we stuck it out. We lasted until the end. I'm grateful for that, and even a little proud, but I wish now that I had spent my minutes more carefully.
However, I've also coming to realize that I spent more minutes in kindness.
I’m convinced that the balance swings in my favor and that the bulk of my actions and my words were loving.
I work hard to remember the minutes that created life, not the minutes that tore down.
I focus on the minutes of hugs, gifts, tenderness and sheer fun. I cling to the times I made good choices, forgave, understood, and even those few that I accepted forgiveness and felt seen and heard.
I want to learn from my mistakes - how better to spend my next million minutes?
What are you doing with your minutes today?
Are you using each one to tear each other down, or are you brooding during your precious minutes, waiting for someone to share an opinion you don't like so you can unload? Are you spending your time rehashing old hurts, slights or failures?
Well, cut it out.
You have no idea how many minutes you have left. You don’t get to know when the last minute is that you get to spend with someone.
So take 60 seconds, your very next 60 seconds, close your eyes and spend that tiny little block of moments in love and in kindness. Start by spending some of those seconds on loving yourself and shutting off the narrative of disappointment, pain or fear. Don’t waste a single precious second thinking about the past because the past is over; it’s done.
Use the next portion with intent. Spend 20 seconds of being grateful for what you have right here and right now. Then, spend the next little block, thinking about something that makes you smile. Take your time. Maybe spend your next span of seconds really diving into that thought and let it roll around in your head. Now that’s a great way to spend a minute!!
Now do it again, but this time hijack someone else’s minute and spend it WITH them in love and kindness. Now that’s good times.